The 21st Century SAHM

 

 

Dear cashier with your lecture about what I am buying and how I am paying for it:

What is the deal?! Look, I am an anti-shopper. I loathe the act of dragging my 3 minions to a store to fill a cart with randomness that we really don’t need, but we think we do. By the time I am wrapping up the party and checking out, the following has happened:

1. We have visited your bathroom. It was 60% passable on the cleanliness scale.

2. My children have argued over who gets to hold the apples, wrapping paper, new tie for Daddy, or Mommy’s tampons.

3. I forgot my list in the car and have stood in aisle 5 with a screaming toddler trying to remember what the 9th thing on my list was. I never remembered. I will see it on the list in the car in 12 minutes (or 10, if you skip your dissertation on why I should have a credit card to your store).

So please, just ring up my shit. Lecture not needed.

For example, here is a script of every single interaction I have ever had with a cashier at Kohls:

Cashier: “Do you have any Kohl’s cash?”

Me: “No.”

(Cashier has look of horror and/or disbelief at this act of apparent sacrilege.)

Cashier: “Do you have a Kohl’s charge?”

Me: “No.”

Cashier: “Do you want to save 15% / 20% / 87% and apply for one today?”

Me: “No, thank you.” (I remembered to use my manners! Does that get me out of this?)

Cashier: “What the hell is wrong with you, you freakishly horrible human?” (Well, not these words exactly, but there is no hesitation in making me feel like a lesser person for my refusal to join the Kohls circle of friendship).

Me: “I’d like to just pay the full price. With this regular old credit card. Which means I am giving your place of employment MORE of my money. Please take more of my money and let me go.” (I think in my head.)

Every time, Kohls. Every time.

 

And today, another store has joined the ranks of Kohls in berating me for spending EXTRA money at their store.

At the liquor store:

Me: “Can I get a few small bags of ice?

Cashier: “Why don’t you get a large 20 lb bag?”

Me: “Because the 6 lb bags are easier for me to manage and fit more easily into my freezer.”

Cashier: “That makes no mathematical sense.”

Really, buddy? MATH? You want to do math? I just spent 70 bucks on beer. I was here FOUR DAYS AGO. That’s how fast the hubs and I are tearing through it these days. And do you see the three little people I dragged in here, looking up at you with their where-is-my-damn-lollipop eyes? Every single item in this entire place is a safety hazard for them, and you are questioning my ice-bag choices?!

Me: “Yeah. They are for my husband’s ice machine. He just had surgery and the 6 lb bags are exactly the right amount to fill the machine…” Why am I explaining this to you?!

Cashier: “That just doesn’t make mathematical sense. That’s all I’m saying.”

Me: “Heard ya. Now please take MORE of my money. By the way, does your sister work down the street at Kohls?” (Again, in my head.)

 

Listen, I was a cashier for years. I know you get a cut or promotion or special badge if someone signs up for the card. I get it. I don’t mind you asking. I expect you to ask. But I am not expecting to pay a penance and say 11 Our Fathers for this sin. Let this anti-shopper pay you her due, whatever it is, and send her on her merry way. She just wants some damn 6 lb bags of ice and to pay for her son’s Avenger sandals with a Visa! Is this asking for too much?

Signed,

Professional online shopper Mommy

 

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