The 21st Century SAHM

 

Summer — so many reasons to love it. For example, one super-duper aspect of summer, now that I have 3 wee ones running amok all day, is the longer days. Because by 8:00 p.m., even if it is bright and sunny out, Mommy is DONE. (See this post about just how done Mommy is by 8:00). So when it still looks like daytime and older kids kids-with-fun-parents are still tearing through the streets at 8:15, guess what? Mine are IN BED. Especially the littles. The 6-year old is far less exhausting these days so he may get to stay up until 8:30. IN HIS PAJAMAS. READING. IN BED. Don’t say I can’t be fun.

Last night I was attempting to explain that it IS in fact bedtime (8 o-freaking-clock!) to the 4 and 2-year olds as they forlornly stared out the window at the sunlight and happiness in the streets below. And I began to list in my mind all of the previously enjoyable parts of life (like long summer days) that are not anymore. Because the kids killed the fun.

1. Buffets

Before kids: Hmmmm… What will I have? What. Will. I. Have… (As you tap your chin in contemplation)

After kids: “Don’t touch that if you aren’t going to take it! STOP TOUCHING ALL OF THE BISCUITS!” Get ready to spend $14.99 for your kid to eat 3 pieces of buttered garlic bread and 89 croutons.

2. Going to the liquor store

Before kids: Girls night! Let’s do margaritas! Jello shots! Sexy Bomb wine!

After kids: “If you touch ANYTHING!!!…” But don’t worry because they get lollipops at the register. They fricking LOVE the liquor store and will likely cooperate in anticipation of reaching their greedy little paws into the metal bucket of suckers as you pay for your $7 wine.

3. (Speaking of alcohol)… Having a drink with dinner at a restaurant

Before kids: (Refer to chin tapping decision-making of #2)

After kids: Since kids are like the elderly and eat at 5:30, chances are it is happy hour when you venture out with your monsters. Hmmm. That half-price mojito sounds tempting doesn’t it? DON’T. Unless you like chugging your Cosmo or having it knocked over and spilled all over the $800 American Girl Doll that has to sit at the table with the rest of the family. Seriously. Wait until you get home, kids are in bed, and you can enjoy your cheap wine in your pajamas like a normal parent. Do not try to aim so high.

4. Going to the gym

Before kids: I’m heading to the gym! Hmmm… which cute gym outfit is clean? What should I do today? Cardio? Treadmill? Elliptical? Or some weights? I reeeeeally need to work on the abs since it’s almost bathing suit season. Ugh. When is that kick-boxing class….?

After kids: There is no premeditated work out plan. There is solely the miracle of getting there, loading them all into the childcare room, and not being paged 7 times because someone pooped or peed himself or is crying. If all of the stars in the universe align and rainbow dust sprinkles down from the heavens, you had better get your ass on that damn treadmill as fast as you can. Because you two will not meet again for 9 days. (Kid #2 will get the stomach flu that day, as you’ll learn in 5 hours.)

5. A summer BBQ

Before kids: You and your significant other loll out of bed at 10:07 on a Saturday morning and one of you suggests: “Let’s have a BBQ today!” You walk over to the quaint grocer 2 blocks from your apartment to purchase  salmon, fresh veggies, a few 6-packs, and a couple bottles of pinot. Later, your well-rested husband and his buddies will sweat their manliness over the grill and drink their beer while you and the gals lounge on the patio, drinking your wine and talking about the Kardashians. The event lasts from 4 p.m. until midnight. One of the men makes a “beer run” at some point.

After kids: The summer BBQ has been planned since Monday of that week. At 8:24 on Saturday morning, you pull out of your cul-de-sac and drive to the grocery store hastily, as one of your brood has a soccer game at 10 and the other has a birthday party at 2. Your list includes (but is not limited to) hot dogs, hot dog buns, freezer pops and s’mores ingredients, burgers, and beer. By 5:30, a bunch of sweaty and cranky kids are demanding dinner so one of you throws the hot dogs on the grill. They eat them in 6 minutes and promptly return to throwing mud at each other. At 7:20, while the moms are scrubbing sticky marshmallows off of their eyebrows (you are just so damn fun with the s’mores, aren’t you?), the husbands start loading up the row of mini-vans in front of your house with wet clothes, shoes, diaper bags, and masterpieces created with Dora the Explorer stickers and glitter pens. Everyone leaves by 7:30. The house is completely trashed and no one knows where your 2-year old is.

6. Fall time change

Before kids: Aaaaah… yawn… stretch. You look over lovingly at your significant other who is also well-rested and you slowly roll out of bed to perk the coffee as you begin your lazy we-got-an-extra-hour-of-sleep-Sunday-morning.

After kids: Gain an hour of sleep YOU WILL NOT. 6 a.m. becomes 5 a.m. And guess what happens at the “new 6 a.m.”? Yes, that’s right. Little fingers are sticking into your eyes and a tiny voice is asking for a waffle. At 5 fricking a.m.

7. Having “plans”

Before kids: It is fun to “make plans” because there is a point. It is a likely possibility that you are going to attend said event and be remotely on time and NOT have applesauce and milk vomit on your boob.

After kids: No point. Don’t bother.

8. Having “no plans”

Before kids: Let’s just stay home and hang out all day, watching Netflix.

After kids: Hahahahahahahaha. Might as well host a BBQ.

 

(#9: Going to the pool. But that required its own post entirely. You can read it here.)

 

photo credit: pixabay.com