March 5, 2015
Oh how motherhood changes one’s priorities. Before kids, I was willing to pay quite a bit of money for things like: good sushi, fancy boots, hair highlights, breakable pretty household decor. That list has changed (somewhat — I still love me some fancy boots). At this point in my life, however, I would be willing to spend an obscene amount of money for, above all else, a stomach flu vaccine.
This cruel beast enters our household, on average, twice a year. The chances of it attacking on or around Christmas are disturbingly high. There are various types of stomach flu that have made their way through our happy home, and because I am a categorizing guru, I’ve listed them below.
1. The “comes-out-of-nowhere” flu
There you are, folding towels, kids are watching Paw Patrol, the toddler is spilling Kix on the fireplace, you are sipping cold coffee made 4 hours ago, you know — typical Wednesday. And your 4-year old stands up, looks at you with wide eyes, and bleh. Strawberries come shooting out of her face and land 4 feet in front of her onto the clean pile of folded towels. Because she’s the first victim, and you were unprepared, you must first overcome the shock. What the hell just happened? Then you being processing. Oh, right. Vomit. Ack! We have company coming in 3 days. And tomorrow is the Valentines Day party at school! And…And… Your mind is racing with the endless list of challenges you must now face as you usher your teary-eyed little girl to the bathroom and shout to the 2-year old, “Don’t step in the puke!!!”
2. The “Came with warning and we’ve been waiting for it” flu
You knew this one was coming. Your kindergartener’s best friend had it. Your neighbor had it. Your kid’s teacher had it. You knew it was only a matter of time. You’ve spent the last 3 nights laying awake, listening. Listening for the horrible sound of your kids vomiting, or calling for you, or running to the bathroom and not making it in time. You are so exhausted by the time the first one gets it that you can barely remember the fog of changing the sheets and washing her hair at 2 am. You prayed it would skip your house, but you knew enough to brace yourself because your house welcomes this beast. EVERY FREAKING YEAR.
3. The “Shit! My husband is out of town” flu
This flu may be coupled with flu #1 or flu #2. But either way, it is almost the worst. (The worst is #4). You often learn about this flu via a phone call from your husband, who is 3 states away. “I have the flu,” he says. Your sympathy for him lasts approximately 12 seconds, until you realize what this means. He was JUST here, this morning. So it’s in the house and you’re on your own = Panic. At this juncture, all you can do is pray the kids stagger themselves. Usually mine are kind enough to fall in domino fashion: each night a new one succumbs to the beast’s wrath, allowing the puker from the night before to be in recovery.
4. The “Mommy is sick, kids” flu
So, here’s my bit on vaccinations: I’m a fan. And can we throw one more in there?
image credit: http://www.morguefile.com/