moms in their 40s ask what's next

This is for all the moms in their 40s who put their careers on hold to do the SAHM thing because you knew you couldn’t do both—career you loved and motherhood—and do both WELL, so you picked, saying to yourself “this is just for now and we’ll see.”

But now it’s 15 years later and so much has changed in your career field that you know you can’t go back. So really, when you “took a break” all those years ago, you gave it up.

And yes, you know you’re supposed to be grateful — you got years upon years with your kids and so many moms would have given anything to have had that choice. You know you were lucky. You ARE lucky. And you’re (probably) glad you did it the way you did.

Or maybe you didn’t have a choice because childcare was too expensive to justify working or maybe your child has special needs that required you to stay home. Whatever your path or reason, here you are, and here you’ve been for a long time.

The default parent conundrum

Because now the kids are in school full time and you have hours to think about… what’s next? What does the rest of your life look like? Will you ever have a career? What on earth would a “career” be for you right now? You’re the default parent — you’ve been the default parent since the beginning. So if anyone gets sick or needs to go to the orthodontist or there’s a snow day or a half day or parent-teacher conferences is in the middle of the day…. that’s on you. It will always be on you.

And all the after school stuff that starts at like 3:00? That’s your job too—the school pick up and practices and taking this one here and picking that one up from there… yep, all you.

Okay, so you’re looking for a “career” with part-time hours and a 100% flexible schedule because you’re still Mom-on-duty but you do have *just* enough hours during the day to reflect on the fact that you *do* have a college degree (maybe even 2) and although being a mom is the greatest and most important job in the world, you *might* actually want something more to your life than folding laundry and running hangry children to 900 events and remembering that they’re all due for dental cleanings.

Also, perimenopause has entered the chat

Oh, and for funsies, while you’re trying to figure out who and what you are at this transitional, prone-to-crisis period in your life, your body is doing whatever the hell our bodies do in our 40s. Nothing fits anymore. You’re always sweating or freezing. And the grays! So many grays. But it’s okay because body positivity! And self-worth! And self-care! You tell yourself these words and phrases but what does that all mean?

So you look at yourself in the mirror and sometimes don’t even know who it is looking back at you. What are you going to be when they’re all grown up? Who will you be?

But for now, you cram yourself into the only pair of jeans you have right now that fit and find a t-shirt on the floor that isn’t clean but isn’t dirty and will pass for the 4 hours of mom-taxiing you’re about to do and you tell yourself, “I’ll figure it out another day. Right now, I gotta get the kids to practice.”

You throw your hair into a topknot (do moms still wear topknots? Whatever. This mom does.) And off you go.

We’re in this together

This is for all the moms who identify with this story. I know there are a lot of you because you’re my neighbors, my sisters, my friends, my colleagues, the moms at school pickup, the moms at church, the moms I see walking their dog at noon, just like me, listening to a podcast, trying to find a sense of purpose and a sense of identity again, after years of being snack-getter and diaper-changer.

I see you. I am you. You’re not alone.

My kids watch a lot of screens. But they also do a shit-ton of other stuff. And I make zero apologies.Summer! Time to get out of the house and ride bikes and take nature walks and make bucket lists and catch worms and have lemonade stands.

…Or watch a hell of a lot of TV and iPad.

Do you fall into one of these two categories? What’s your “policy” on screen time? Do you even have one?

Well, I thought I was doing okay with our regulations until I chatted with a few camp moms recently about this very topic. One mom proudly declared that her kids are limited to one hour of screen time per day. Not to be outdone, a chipper sanctimommy super-dedicated mother scoffed at the one-hour limit and retorted, “My kids don’t watch screens. We are far too busy being active outside and using our imaginations.”

Are you fucking kidding, lady.

Ain’t no place for this slacker mom in that circle, so I bowed out pretty quickly. Because here’s the cold hard truth. My kids watch a lot of screens on days off from school. Often our time consists of a rotation between Minecraft, Youtube, Star Wars Rebels, and Barbie cartoons. (I could list those in order of most to least painful, but it’s really just one continuous circle of hell.)

But you know what else we’ve done so far this summer? Gone to the zoo, gone to Legoland, swam in pools, gone on walks, gone on bike rides, played in the sprinklers, gone to the library, read piles and piles of books from the library, written Continue Reading

Some good moms clean a lot. Some don't. Some make organic homemade muffins. Some don't. And that's okay.Girlfriends, I got to get something off my chest.

My house is never clean. Like ever. I have friends (with kids) whose houses are spotless. Are they better mothers than me? Nope. Am I a better mother than them? Nope.

I work out every day. I have mom friends who don’t exercise. (I mean other than running around like crazy people after their kids). Does that make either of us a better mom? Nope.

I have a friend who gave birth in a pool in her living room. I pushed mine out in a hospital bed after receiving a gift from the epidural fairy. Both of us are good moms.

I drink a beer or glass of wine (sometimes in front of my kids!) on occasion. I’m a good mom. My neighbor and good friend doesn’t drink. Also a good mom.

I’m a yeller. I have a good friend who is quiet and extremely patient. I envy her. But we are both good moms.

I have friends who are super organic, chemical free, and dye free. My kids sometimes eat popsicles for breakfast. The Continue Reading